By Alison Astair
www.helpmealison.com
How do you teach good behavior to a not-yet-rational, nonverbal child, whose understanding of the finer concepts—such as manners, sharing, and empathy, not to mention personal safety ---is primitive to nonexistent?
Accentuate the positive.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of simply reacting to your child’s misbehavior, forever intervening and corrective when something goes amiss. But you’ll have better success if you actively reinforce good behavior—since your child prizes your approval above all else. Give him hugs when he’s behaving. Praise him by saying things like, “I appreciate how you put your puzzle back on the shelf when you were don’t.”
Prevent Problems
Removing sharp objects, breakables and enticing plants from your child’s environments wards off potential problems. Also avoid situations that will cause trouble: trying to run one more errand when it’s already past naptime, etc.
Another way to minimize the odds of a battle: Offer helpful reminders before things go awry. Before every bath, for example, you might gently remind her, “The rule is, if you splash water outside of the tub, you have to come out.”
Set limits.
All kids need clear, consistent limits to define the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. In fact, they crave them to feel secure in their world.
At first, defining and enforcing limits may not seem necessary. What harm is it, you may say to yourself, if your 12-month-old pulls books off the shelf and your two year old neglects to say “please”? The answer: If you don’t approve of the behavior now, even if your child does look comically cute as he’s defying you, you won’t like it after a few dozen times either. He’s trying to figure out what’s ok and what’s not. It’s your job to tell him!
It’s easy to excuse toddler transgressions by saying, “Oh, he’s just a little guy” or “She won’t understand if I say no.” But toddlers are smarter than you may think they are. With your help and patience, they’re capable of learning the difference between right and wrong.
Be firm.
Indulgence has it’s place in parenthood. But over time, a lack of firmness tends to backfire. If you don’t enforce limits, you deprive your child of understanding how you expect her to behave. Rather than making her feel liberated, the opposite occurs. She feels frightened and confused.
If you’re too lenient, you child is also apt to take advantage of you. She’ll soon discover which buttons to push to get the response that she desires. And you can be sure she’ll push them again and again. Better to make it clear that you’re in charge—not your child.
Keep your expectations about her behavior realistic.
Otherwise, you set yourself up for failure. One-year-olds can barely sit still for 15 minutes, let alone an hour at the table while the family eats.
Do increase your expectations as your child grows, for example, while a 12-month-old shouldn’t be required to use “please” and “thank you,” an 18 month old with a 50 word vocabulary is capable of learning to say them.
Aim for consistency.
Once you make a rule, enforce it. Inconsistencies confuse a learning child. If it was all right to dump sand out of the sandbox last week, why are you so mad about it now?
Try to follow through on your rules in a predictable fashion. If you say that it will be time to leave the playground after your child goes down the slide two more times, then do so. Don’t wait for him to make three more trips, or ten; the next time you’re ready to leave after “two more times,” you probably won’t be taken seriously.
Of course it’s impossible to be 100 percent consistent in all things, all the time. There’s room for exceptions. You might let your child bounce on the sofa—something ordinarily not allowed—when he’s trapped inside on a rainy day, or allow her to eat her snack in the living room instead of the kitchen during a play date with her friends. Explain why a this is special and just for that day.
Stay cool.
Your disciplinary message will have a much greater impact if you deliver it in a calm, rational manner. Yes, this is easier said than done. It can be a challenge to curb your temper when your 1-year-old has just written with permanent marker on the kitchen wall, or your 2- year-old has unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper. Raising your voice is a natural reaction, but yelling both is degrading to a child and makes you’re a poor role model. Plus, if you shout a lot, a toddler may tune you out or think it’s funny and do mischievous things just to get a rise out of you.
On the other hand, a too-timid response can be as ineffective as shouting. Sounding too mild or uncertain may dilute your message. Avoid softening commands as questions: “Stop jumping on the bed, okay, honey?” or “Do you want to go to sleep now?”
Be brief.
The best way to get your message across to a toddler is to use as few words as possible. There’s no need, for instance, to stray into a medical explanation of why sticking dried beans up one’s nose is a bad idea. A young child benefits most from short, to-the-point messages: “Hot.” “Walk, don’t run.” “We don’t do that.” “Biting hurts.”
Set a good example.
You’ve most likely heard about the mother who slaps her child’s hand, as she scolds, “no hitting!” And grabbing is another negative behavior parents unwittingly demonstrate to young kids. If your child is clutching something you don’t want her to have, try not to just snatch it away from her. It’s better to calmly ask her to give you the object in a no-nonsense tone while holding out your hand for it.
Monitor moods.
When it comes to discipline, “One size first all!” definitely doesn’t apply to small children: Some easy going toddlers respond well to low-key reminders and a warning. Other kids may need more stringent limits; if you give in once, they’ll take advantage of it later.
As you discipline your little one, remember that you’re not just helping him learn how to behave: You’re also teaching him what to expect from his world, and what it expects from him in return.
Go back to Parents Resources