By Laura Fobler
www.satisfactive.com
I have the most wonderful dreams for my child. I wish her a long and healthy life, filled with inspiration, contentment, pleasure, satisfaction, love and - above all – happiness!
A happy life - what parent doesn’t want that for their child?
lthough from a rational point of view I quite understand that children also need to learn how to deal with setbacks and disappointments, and to accept loss. I, myself, would never have come to appreciate the value and importance of happiness without having experienced the downside of life. And yet, what I want most for my child is that she is as happy as can be. Now. Today and every day – always, without exception. And that’s how she will grow up - as a really happy person.
Unfortunately, that is not the case.
Almost every day my child comes up against problems which she has to learn to deal with. Being pestered or bullied, not invited to parties, a strict teacher, only being allowed 2 treats a day, only being allowed to go to bed a half-hour later when a friend comes for a sleep-over, no mobile phone (yet), no pancakes for tea again, and no Uggs – the list is endless...
And then she is not always a pleasure to be with... She becomes obstinate, she starts screaming and arguing - with me, with her father or with her friends. Not because she likes to argue or wants to be perverse, but because her behaviour is driven by something deeper. Her needs are not being met.
From a humanistic psychology perspective, it is actually quite simple: people – and therefore children too – behave the way they do because they have needs. They need food, rest, play, room to grieve, to love and to learn, and many more things... Needs are just needs, and there’s not much you can do to change them. And when needs are not met, people try to get them met - one way or another - whether that creates conflict or not.
I call a friend when I need to share my joy or sadness, but I also grab the last apple when I need food. If someone else also wants the same apple it can easily lead to an argument. When my child tries to get her needs met and ends up in an argument with another child, I can forbid the argument (“Stop arguing, right this minute!!!”), but forbidding the argument won’t make the need go away!
The idea that people feel affection for those who satisfy their needs and become resentful towards people who frustrate their needs means that I would rather find out what my child’s needs are than forbid their outward signs.
Does that mean then that she should have the Uggs and I will be forced to eat pancakes every day? Fortunately not :-).
The Uggs are just one way of meeting a need, such as the need to fit in, or the need for warm feet. Another way of meeting the need to fit in might be to buy a cool diary instead, or ‘fake Uggs’. Or if the need is for warm feet, then buying some heated insoles might be the solution (yes, you can get them!)
You can check the need fairly easily just by asking your child (“So you want a pair of Uggs because all your friends have them?”) Your child will always tell you whether this is true or not.
Once the need has been made clear, not only can you relate to your child better (because at some time you will also have had a need for warm feet) but together with your child you can also find a solution which both of you can live with, so you don’t have to eat pancakes every day.
And I, for one, really like the idea of that :-D